


Hold Me Till My Bones Break

by hangthe_stars



Category: GOT7
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Child Neglect, Depression, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gentle Kissing, JB is struggling, M/M, Mark is the sweetest, Markbum, Mental Health Issues, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-05
Updated: 2017-07-05
Packaged: 2018-11-28 06:32:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11412240
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hangthe_stars/pseuds/hangthe_stars
Summary: Mark reminds Jaebum that it's okay to cry. Except Jaebum doesn't want to cry. He wants something more.





	Hold Me Till My Bones Break

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This is my first fic on here *cheers*
> 
> Honestly, I found it quite difficult to write at times as writing, of course, is an artform and to many, art is expression. So here I express my feelings and innermost thoughts. Experiences of my own are sketched here, too.
> 
> Please read with care. Warning: upsetting scenes and details of anxiety attacks.
> 
> I tried my very best to not make this romanticized but if that is an issue then I shall make it clear now: Jaebum cannot recover on Mark's love alone. Love is not the cure. But support, patience and understanding are important on the road to recovery!
> 
> Thank you ♡

There was a melancholy sort of feeling in the air. It hung over the dorm like a storm cloud: brewing but still. As Jaebum walked from the kitchen to the couch he felt as if everything was duller. The mess of clothes piling up the walls were no longer a warm reminder of what home was to him but now, an unsettling itch beneath his skin. Jaebum collapsed onto the couch and let the grey world he'd fabricated swallow him whole. (Or maybe that was just the couch that was all cushion and zero support for your spine).

Jaebum couldn't quite put a finger on what the issue was. His chest seemed to have a permanent ache in it that only one person could soothe. Jaebum almost smiled at the mere thought of Mark but it wouldn't come. All he could think of was how empty he felt and _why did he feel this way?_ Did he need a reason?

Maybe it wasn't the air that felt sad. It was just him.

The boys had all left earlier with bright smiles and echoed laughter. They wished to leave the dorm for a change of scenery and had decided to go to the American restaurant two streets down. If Jaebum were feeling lighter he may have gone with them but the weights in his feet, on his limbs and mind kept him pinned down to the bed. Jaebum felt sick when he imagined moving and going outside. Having fun? It seemed a foreign concept to him now. Turns out, when you've got a dream, you've got to kill your passion for it to come true. Jaebum wanted the couch to swallow him up.

He's not being a good leader. He rarely ever let his emotions get the better of him. Now he can hear Mark's sweet voice: "You should let it out otherwise it will all build up."

Was this it building up?

Jaebum couldn't bear it. It felt as if his body was so full he might burst at the seams. He felt like a paper doll; made of nothing and yet so delicate it might be deemed valuable. If Jaebum could drift in the wind like paper he would. He would let the air pull at his clothing and cool every thread of his being. Only for it to rip him apart later. Jaebum wondered if it felt good to be ripped apart.

It was not a sadness he decided.

 _No_. It was more a feeling of being full. So full of the want - the pure, insatiable _need_ \- to feel because actually you're just empty. Completely and utterly empty.

As Jaebum sank into the couch he concluded that this was it. He was just a graveyard of dusty bones and paled flesh. There was nothing to him but a body with no character to hold him up and fill him out like the hand of a puppeteer. Jaebum was a shell. He hated this feeling: of uselessness and worthlessness and sheer fear.

Jaebum was scared of how he felt. It seemed his world was dark and he couldn't understand why. Why had the colour dissipated so rapidly when he had everything he wanted? He had his group - a family - and he had the wonderful fans and he had Mark!

Perfect, beautiful Mark. Mark was his best friend and lover. The love of his life. Mark had this gorgeous way of being ethereal without doing anything. Jaebum had always seen it in him: the gentle beauty and the selfless personality. Throw in his bell-tinkling laugh and playful humour... Mark meant everything to Jaebum. He always had. There was nothing that could compare to the way Mark made Jaebum feel complete. As if that fullness he craved was real because with Mark, he felt so many raw emotions: like happiness, excitement and even his passion was restored. Mark made Jaebum feel loved even on the worst days because despite Jaebum's doubts, Mark was the most genuine person he knew. Mark was known for his candor and Jaebum loved him for it. Mark had seen Jaebum at his most vulnerable; crying and panicking, loving and learning. Jaebum even trusted Mark enough to let him take the lead in bed. Which was a huge step forward for Jaebum who felt like nothing without control. Maybe all Jaebum needed now was Mark.

Now he couldn't stop thinking of the older boy. From his blinding smile to his long legs. Mark was all Jaebum wanted.

He lay on the couch still. _Still_. The second he considered migrating to the bed, his head began to pound and his limbs felt heavy. Jaebum sighed, a long breath of air escaping his lips. The ache in his chest was inexorable. It felt like his ribs might cave in and he really would become a graveyard of splintered bone.

Jaebum sometimes found himself in this place. He was transported to another world where the sky was ash and the streets were black. The people he knew became phantoms with twisted smiles; and the words they spoke sounded like jeering. Jaebum knew the world too well as if it had been mapped out on his chest like a tattoo. Too detailed. Too fine. Jaebum could name every ghost he met there. He could retire to his bedroom and greet nightmarish dreams that were simply memories of that world. He'd known it since he was young. A teenager perhaps. But as he got older, the visits there became less frequent as his life was so packed with schedules and movement. Yet when he did visit, the world seemed to worsen. Everything became more real. More mature. All of Jaebum's worst nightmares managed to form right before his eyes and manifest themselves within his chest. Jaebum carried them around with him in his pocket. Maybe that was why he felt so heavy.

He was crying out for help. He needed help. _Someone help him_. It was not fair. Never fair. Jaebum wants and wants and wants to be happy but his mind was tipping the scales. The monsters in his pocket were telling him he should want and want and _need_ to die.

The front door swung open. It squealed on the hinges and the noise made Jaebum's whole body twitch. Then a chorus of noise erupted from the hall as the boys crossed the threshold. There's the thump of shoes being kicked off and then Jackson's darling laughter bouncing off the walls. Jaebum fought the weights pressing down on his body and managed to heave himself up into sitting position. _Smile, Jaebum, smile. Just try._

"Oh, Jaebum hyung!" A voice sang. It was unmistakably Yugyeom and said boy came trotting into the lounge with a carrier bag in his outstretched hands. "I bought you chicken, hyung!"

Jaebum didn't even have to pretend. The gesture warmed his chest considerably and he chuckled at the younger's wide grin. Jaebum stood up with a grunt, taking the bag from Yugyeom's hand and breathing in one of his favourite scents. Chicken.

"Thanks, kid," Jaebum ruffled Yugyeom's raven hair - who spluttered childishly at the contact. A soft giggle sounded from the doorway.

It was Mark. Jaebum could tell Mark was there without even seeing him, before even hearing his adorable giggle. His head whipped up at the sound and laying his eyes on the older boy ended up being his biggest mistake.

Jaebum felt everything in one hit. It felt as if someone had drawn back the oceans and then sent them all crashing into him at once. Jaebum was a ragdoll in a sea of emotions and he didn't know what to grab onto, which way to kick. All he knew was that Mark stood above it all, safe and steady with a calm smile and warm hands. Jaebum made a small noise in the back of his throat - something desperate and barely there. He felt the emptiness crack open. Need and fear seeped into his shell; along with the flow of anguish. He bit back the tears and mumbled something around the lump in his throat. The shock of feeling everything at once sent him reeling. He faltered, swaying on the spot and reaching out a hand to Mark, actually whimpering when the pain in his chest got too much.

Mark understood to an extent. Yugyeom did not. Poor kid. He looked scared for his hyung who had wet eyes and the stature of a broken man. Jaebum was _never_ broken - _right?_

Mark reacted instantly to seeing Jaebum's absolute agony. The smile on his face was replaced with a concentrated frown. Mark caught Jaebum by the arms, squeezing gently and running his fingers down to meet Jaebum's. Jaebum clutched on for dear life. One hand wrapped up in Mark's and the other purchased on the older's hoodie. All he felt was a panic in his chest that stretched and tightened like he was made from elastic bands. He needed an escape from this grey world.

"Jaebum. Breathe. Breathe, baby."

He was trying. At least he was trying.

He felt too hot. The room had become busy with heat, skin crawlimg at the sweat on his spine. Why was this happening to him? Why did he have to be so weak?

Mark was gripping onto him, pulling him upright and staring him right in the eye. Jaebum's own eyes were wide with terror. The creatures in his pockets were clawing their way up his body and slipping in through his open mouth up to his brain. Mark continued to utter his soft words, tipping his head to the side as a gesture for Yugyeom to _please leave, I've got this_.

Yugyeom left promptly, eyes wet with worry.

"Jaebum," Mark tried again and the younger boy whimpered. "You need to breathe. Try for me, Jae. In through your nose."

Jaebum followed his boyfriend's lead. He sucked in a cool breath of air before it instantly shot out through his mouth. Over and over again he took in breath after breath. Cold air surpassed the thick, hot heaviness in his body and soothed his crying lungs. Jaebum clung onto Mark for dear life, words like apologies tumbling from his lips and falling on forgiving ears.

"Shh. You're fine, don't apologise. Jae, I need you to come with me, okay?" Mark thread his fingers between Jaebum's.

Jaebum whined low in his throat. He didn't want to leave the safety of the lounge. What if the others were all out there? Yugyeom had probably told them all now; he'd looked so scared. Jaebum could feel tears burning in his eyes as disappointment welled up inside him.

"Let's get you in the shower." It wasn't a question. And Jaebum acquiesced to the gentle pull of Mark's hand.

The hall that led off to the bedrooms was empty. Jaebum guessed Yugyeom had urged everyone into one room to keep them out of Jaebum's way. It made him feel selfish. An uncomfortable twist in his stomach made his steps sluggish as he allowed Mark to guide him to the nearest bathroom with the pressure of his boyfriend's hand on his lower back. Mark flicked the switch on, bathing the room in a soft yellow glow and the hum of the shower when he turned it on. Steam began to roll out behind the glass door of the shower and the bathroom became misty. Jaebum felt the steam clogging up his windpipe, layers of the water vapour clinging to his skin like a coat.

"Can I have it cold?" His voice sounded so small; washed out by the pattering fall of water. But Mark heard and nodded, turning the dial to a cooler setting.

Mark leaned back against the sink. "Can you undress yourself?"

Jaebum didn't answer, instead hooking his thumbs into his jeans and shucking them down his hot body. His shirt was pulled off and dropped to the floor. Next his boxers came off. He was never timid about his body but now, he felt naked. Not literally. He felt like Mark could see inside him. Mark was always quiet but observant -that's what Jaebum liked about him at first. The older boy had an air of mystery. Now, it felt like Mark was picking him apart with his eyes alone.

"Aren't you going to ask me what's wrong?"

Jaebum cursed himself. He really did. When he thought about speaking, those were not the words he wanted to say in that dead tone. A thank you would have sufficed but instead Jaebum's hightened negativity was pouring from his lips like poison. He hated it: that he felt he had no control and how vulnerable he felt, how scared he was of his own reflection in the bathroom mirror.

Mark didn't even look taken aback. He looked a little disappointed, the dark of his eyes hot beneath the sepia bulb. Most of all, Mark had a frown of concern creased between his brow. His usually angelic face seemed shadowed with worry.

And it was Jaebum's fault, he knew that.

"Sorry."

Jaebum couldn't look Mark in the eye. Instead he walked on weak legs to the shower and stepped into the cool spray. The waterfall was refreshing on his burning skin and felt like ice on a hot day. Jaebum couldn't lift his arms to wash his hair. There were still weights hanging off the tips of his fingers. He felt too tired to do anything. Instead, he settled for standing right beneath the shower head and hanging his head between his shoulders.

In all honesty, Mark had never seen Jaebum looking so weak. The older boy was worried sick about their leader who fought so hard to be the best for them, only to forget about himself. It had always been who Jaebum was. Even when they were younger and Jaebum easily lost his temper; he'd always be the first to apologise because he knew how important teamwork was. Jaebum was the best leader for them but unfortunately, the young man could not see it. Mark tried so hard to help him but it was difficult when he didn't know what was going on in the younger's head. All he did know was that sometimes, Jaebum wouldn't get out of bed. He wasn't able to. Mark would sneak into his room to wake him up, only to find that Jaebum was already awake and simply staring at the ceiling. Sometimes he'd cry then. Other times he'd grab Mark's shirt and pull him down beneath the sheets with him.

But the last time that had happened was almost a year ago. Mark thought he was getting better. Had something triggered this - what could only be described as - an anxiety attack?

Mark had seen nothing like it before; the paling of Jaebum's face and the shaking that overrode his whole body; the wide eyes and look of absolute fear...

It made Mark feel sick. Had they all ignored Jaebum's hardships so much that now he was suffering because of them?

There was no point in beating himself up over the unknown. Mark shed his clothes off his body and pulled the glass door open, creeping beneath the stream with Jaebum. Jaebum who was stood still as if frozen, letting the water run in rivulets down his spine and cheeks, making his eyes red when the water dripped in them. Mark took a tentative step forwards and reached out a hand, grazing his fingertips up Jaebum's spine and over his shoulder blades. The younger involuntarily shivered at the soft contact.

"You know, I just want to help you, right? We all want to help you but to do that, you've got to let us - _me_ \- in. _Please_."

There was silence apart from the pitter patter of water like rain on a window pane. Jaebum was facing away from Mark, body submerged beneath the shower and then in reply, his shoulders began to shake. His whole upper body began to curl in on itself, a crumpling stance of a once strong man beaten down by - _what?_ Jaebum shook and with each spasm of his chest came this awful, choking splutter.

Jaebum was crying. He was sobbing. Every inch of his body was consumed by grief. Each tear that fell was warmer than the shower spray and saltier too. It made him feel so weak but he could not stop. He was sobbing. He was crying and choking in agony. Mark had never seen him this bad before; crying hysterically into the palms of his hands. As if that small barrier would be enough to make his cries inaudible. Jaebum wasn't breathing properly: every intake of air was a ragged gasp and all Mark could do was wait it out with him. Mark lay a hand flat on Jaebum's back, a silent way of saying: "I'm here. Don't be afraid. Breathe."

It never seemed to end. The sobs echoed off the tiled walls and at some point Jaebum couldn't bear to stand any longer. He sunk down onto the floor and Mark followed him, hands slipping around his waist to pull the younger flush against his chest.

"What can I do? What shall I do for you, Jae?" Mark asked, repeating the question with a shake to his voice. This was torturous. Mark didn't know how to help. He felt so scared for Jaebum who had a hand pressed to his chest as he fought the elephant's weight off of his lungs.

"Nothing-" he spluttered. "Just wait. I can... sort myself out. They usually last five -ten minutes, maybe."

Mark grimaced at that. Jaebum had had attacks like this before? Mark ducked his head against Jaebum's shoulder, kissing his bare skin and murmuring soothing words. Though Jaebum could still feel the edge of the anxiety gnawing at his insides, he began to calm down. Having someone beside him to help him through it was foreign. Yet he found that it helped - (especially because it was Mark).

Once Jaebum's breathing had returned back to normal, they washed. Or Mark washed Jaebum. (Who leaned back into Mark's embrace and allowed the vulnerability to mutate into something wonderful: safety).

"Would you like me to wash your hair?" Mark hummed, fingers pressing into the tight muscles in Jaebum's broad shoulders.

Jaebum nodded. "Please?"

"Okay, baby." The pet name made Jaebum whimper.

And the minute Mark moved away to grab the shampoo, Jaebum's head span. He lashed out blindly and found Mark's body through the steam, little whines escaping his throat. Jaebum wouldn't let Mark go; burying his head against the older's neck and securing his arms around his boyfriend's shoulders. Mark didn't try and push him away or tell him he needed to actually get the shampoo if Jaebum wanted his hair washed. No, Mark just let Jaebum pull him back imto his chest and encase him in a tight embrace.

"'M sorry," Jaebum's voice was muffled by waterfalls and skin.

"I thought I said not to apologise," Mark tutted and let Jaebum pull him back under the warm water. "You've done nothing wrong."

"I have." Jaebum sounded so certain, spoke without wavering. "I've let the team down. This should never have escalated to what it has and because it has... I've been selfish. I should've been a better leader for you all."

Mark closed his eyes, squeezing out the sadness drop by drop. "Stop. Let's talk about this after, okay?"

After came when the water was shut off, skin dried and sadness migrated from the bathroom to the bedroom. Mark couldn't help but notice the slow stoop in Jaebum's walk - _and had it always been there?_ Had he been overlooking something so obvious this whole time? Jaebum wasn't transparent but he was definitely opaque. He was an open book but the words were webs of lies that Mark found himself getting too tangled in.

Now, Mark realised _'I'm okay'_ translated to _'I'm trying to be okay for you'_. Which was far from okay. It was too selfless.

Jaebum knew the bed too well. It was warm in all the right places and had learned how to seduce him with silken sheets and feather stuffed pillows. But the bed was less a cloud and more a jail. When night rolled across the pale blue above, the bed opened it's arms wide and held Jaebum tight in it's grasp. The bed was the place Jaebum lay and stared endlessly at the plain surface of the ceiling. He'd counted the ridges and layers of paint more times than he cared to admit. Jaebum hated the bed that broke his ribs in an iron grip and kept him there until his skin shrivelled, bones ground down to nothing but dust; with only his teeth left to chatter in a shattered skull at the warmth that no longer wooed his skin.

Knowing all of this, Jaebum still climbed into the bed. The initial heat and softness won him over like usual.

"If I ask you to talk will you be honest with me?" Mark queried. He slid down beneath the duvet, his body disappearing beneath the soft sheets before Jaebum had time to admire him.

Jaebum figured it wasn't a real question: it was honesty or nothing. He'd done it. He'd broken and now the torn pieces were bloody and fleshy before him. It was up to him to make this right and up to him only. So Jaebum nodded.

They settled. Mark hooked an arm over Jaebum's waist and pulled him in closer. Both were lay on their sides, facing each other with their noses close to touching. Jaebum closed his eyes, sinking into Mark's warmth, wishing that his boyfriend's arms would hold him captive and not the crooked bones of the bed. Mark had gorgeous doe eyes but they were painfully intrusive in times like this. Jaebum sometimes felt intimidated by his quietness especially when he himself had no words to fill the silence.

And Jaebum's hand came up, fingers glancing up the smooth, unblemished skin of Mark's jaw, then he leaned in and kissed him. Right now, there was no need for speaking. Jaebum had to let go of the heaviness in his chest and the perfect way to do that was by being with Mark in every way possible. It was a lazy kiss, tired on Jaebum's side and he gladly gave Mark all the control. Mark always made him feel good when he was in control. Jaebum trusted him. He could feel the cool palm of Mark's hand flat against the expanse of his bare stomach, fingers curled against the hard ridges of muscle. Jaebum needed this kiss, he needed time to rearrange his thoughts and find his voice. So he let a groan hum in his throat as Mark's tongue flickered against his own. It was a better warmth than the one the bed offered. This was passionate heat which dipped with lust. Knowing that Mark wanted him made Jaebum feel wholesome. He would do anything for Mark. He would let himself go dizzy with kisses - even if Mark had no feelings for him and still, Jaebum would be happy. Just as long as Jaebum had the simple pleasure of being in Mark's presence.

The filthy noise of their lips against each other was enough to turn Jaebum on. He moaned, Mark's tongue dipping deep into his mouth and nails digging into his waist. Heat weighed in the air lustily like the smell of weed. Jaebum felt lax under Mark's hands and sunk into the mattress on his back. Mark moved with him, slender body hovering over the younger's. Wet kisses trailed up Jaebum's jaw and down his neck, dark red brusing his skin.

Mark was breathing heavy. Jaebum could feel the hot puffs of air against his skin which caused him to shudder. Every lick of Mark's tongue, every brush of his fingers made Jaebum's chest swell with a new pressure. It felt like a flower was blooming in his lungs. And though the petals were beautiful, they clogged up his windpipe and now he couldn't breathe. Mark rendered him completely breathless; being too much wickedly handsome and not knowing it for a second.

"We can't..." Mark gasped against Jaebum's shoulder like a drowning man when the younger rolled his hips up against Mark's.

"Why? Please, Mark, I need you!" Jaebum cried, eyes burning because maybe Mark didn't want him anymore. Maybe Mark didn't need him like he needed Mark.

Mark stopped kissing Jaebum's scalding skin. He moved back, creating a tense distance between them that humed with unnecessary silence. The duvet was pushed back upon their feet and Mark shuffled back to sit against the headboard. With awkward hands, he urged Jaebum to rest his head in his lap and Jaebum complied, twisting his body awkwardly so he didn't have to move much. Mark gladly twisted his fingers through Jaebum's uncut hair, fingertips pressing into his scalp.

"Do you really need me, Jaebum?"

Jaebum didn't understand. What sort of question was that? His eyes stung with sorrow.

"Of course I do. I need you and this family and..." Jaebum choked out a cough to soothe the lump in his throat.

"Jaebum." A serious voice. "I asked you to be honest with me and I know when you're lying. So I understand that you need us but we all need each other. Right? We all have a sort of dependency on one another. What I don't understand is why your need and my need seem extremely different."

"I don't understand," Jaebum said quietly.

Mark sighed, fingers tight in Jaebum's hair. "You're really good at hiding how you feel and now I'm beginning to see that who you really are is totally different from the person I thought I knew."

"That's not true."

"It is. You're pretending to be someone you're not. And now look, you're... sick? Depressed? God, Jae, if you'd talked to one of us sooner then maybe none of this would've happened. Maybe you'd be the confident, upbeat leader we remember."

And it made Jaebum feel sick. This was not fair. Mark didn't get it. Jaebum thought he understood but he guessed he was wrong. But then, it was his fault he felt this way... if he had just confided in Mark and not been so selfish with his feelings, none of this would be happening.

"It's not that simple, Mark..." Jaebum whispered to avoid his voice cracking.

"Then talk to me!" Mark sounded exasperated and Jaebum flinched. He didn't want to cause this tension, he didn't want Mark to be angry at him. "Trust me! I can help you, we can all help you if you just stop being such an ignorant prick and realise that we all have feelings too! Jaebum, you're not the only one struggling. You know how patient I am. I will listen and we will work it out together-"

"But-"

"Yugyeom is going to be so worried about you. Why did you freak out like that? Jaebum, I love you but... where did that come from? You've never panicked like that before. Plus you've said it's happened before? Why are you hiding this from me? We all have bad days, Jae but it seems that yours are worse than ours. Why? Is it because you want more attention? Is it because you're trying to be the cold asshole you pretend to be?"

Jaebum didn't know what to say. Mark had it all so, so wrong. But then: how else would Mark possibly see it? Jaebum had never explained to Mark why he had bad days or what "bad days" meant to him. Jaebum had never expected Mark to understand and he'd never expected him to want to understand either. Jaebum believed strongly that his issues should be kept private from the group because it would cause problems like this. Funny how things come back to bite you in the ass. The way he felt was truly indescribable and Jaebum didn't really know where to start if he wanted Mark to understand. Was there a good way to say...

"I want to die."

The difference between Jaebum and Mark was that Mark was an honest open book. If Jaebum could've taken the words back he would've plucked them straight from the air and forced them back down his throat. For Mark's face wore an expression he'd never seen before. His face flashed with anger, sadness and then a look so pale, so pained Jaebum had to look away. Mark's lips were parted in lost words. His eyes red with tears and Jaebum supposed it made sense. Even dust hurt. This must be hell to hear.

"What?" Mark whispered, voice so thin it was like dust.

"I-" Jaebum stammered, scooting back on the bed and bathing in the space between them as if it were a cold bath. The flower blooming in his chest was wilting. The dried petals were soaking up his blood, the thorny stem piercing his heart. "I want to die."

What was the point in taking it back? Jaebum had said the words now. The truth was out. The difference between their needs, their pains was made so clear in just four words. Mark looked like he was going to be sick. Well, that's how Jaebum felt most days anyway.

Nothing came from Mark's open mouth. He clenched down hard, teeth grinding, as he grasped for things to say. How could he make this better? Mark felt torn by a sense of guilt and his own broken heart. To hear that the love of your life wants to die... It was shocking. Mark never imagined that Jaebum would feel this way. But then, feelings didn't have a way of working. A depression like this one could happen to anyone. Mark looked through his tears at Jaebum and something seemed to click inside him. The jagged slices of confusion fit together so perfectly - (though blood still managed to drip from the cracks where they met). Mark didn't mean to cry but he couldn't help it.

Jaebum looked...

Depressed? But what did that look like? Mark knew depression wasn't a simple, single feeling. He understood that everyone wore it differently on professional masked faces. Jaebum had done a good job at wearing it; painting it in makeup and concealing it from caring eyes. Now that Mark knew for sure that this wasn't normal stress or modern anxiety, he could see it. In the way Jaebum carried himself; shoulders low, head down, hands nervous, eyes bruised black and did he look thinner than usual? Mark wished to go back in time so he could pinpoint the exact moment Jaebum's mind collapsed into dangerous places and put a stop to it. It was too late for that now. Jaebum had been taken by the evil roots of a poisonous plant -he'd eaten on the toxic thing and was now a carrier of the agony.

"I'm so sorry. I am so - shit!" Mark wiped his eyes silently. "I know I sounded harsh before but I just wanted to try and get you to speak. I didn't think... Why? Why do you feel like that? You're so beautiful, so talented, so important to so many people. What happened?"

"I don't know." Jaebum whispered through the tremor in his voice. "I just - if I were to die, if something bad were to happen, I wouldn't care, you know? I'd just let it happen."

"So you don't want to end your own life?" The words were strained. Mark had always been good at handling his emotions. He could keep them in check and he was patient.

"No. I don't think so. I don't think I could. I know people care about me so I couldn't hurt them like that but it doesn't make my feelings any different. I still wish I were dead. Why? I don't... there's no one reason. Sometimes - most of the time - I just feel empty. It's like I'm standing on the rocks, looking out on the ocean and I don't know how deep it is or how strong the wind is or which way the current is flowing. But it doesn't matter too much because I'm standing with my toes right over the edge. It's like... I'm not afraid of drowning. That's the emptiness.

"What I'm scared of is keeping afloat because it means I have to swim. Swimming that much makes everything ache and there'sno time for me to stop otherwise I'll get dragged under. I'm afraid of the pain of trying to stay alive. That's the other days. The days where everything just hurts and it would be so much nicer to be dead than feel that way. The pain, the emptiness. It's all the same. It's encompassing and it feels like there's no way out. Like there's no point in talking to someone, no matter who it is, because I'm so convinced that you won't understand and you will just brush it into a pile labelled sadness but this is so much more than sadness, it's terrifying and everywhere and inescapable and-"

Jaebum didn't realise he couldn't breathe until he felt Mark's hand on the side of his neck. At the realization, he sucked in a few deep breaths to balance his spinning mind. With a tipped equilibrium, the younger halted his confession and froze. Had he really just said all of that? It felt good to be honest but it also felt hopeless. No words could describe the way he felt but he tried. He had to try and get Mark to understand.

Otherwise - it seemed obvious now - that Jaebum would never get better. And he definitely did not want that.

"Hey, just slow down, okay? We have all night. Don't rush yourself." Mark danced his warm fingers down the tense muscles of Jaebum's arms. "I'm here and I'm not going anywhere. Do you understand me, Im Jaebum? I love you and I care so much, so damn much. So talk to me."

"I don't really know what to say. I've been feeling like this for so long, Mark. It started before I even met you! When it first started exactly? I have no idea. It became normal to me so fast and I was only young. I didn't understand it myself. I still don't. Though I have a therapist who talks to me but I don't get to go regularly becauze our schedules are so packed. Even then, none of it makes sense to me. These feelings were just sprung upon me at such a young age and I didn't get the help then so now I'm just screwed up." Jaebum rubbed at his cheeks furiously, ridding himself of tear tracks and leaving his skin a blushing red.

"There's no reason as to why you started feeling like this?" Mark let his hand drop from Jaebum's shoulder to his hands, fingers lacing together.

"I didn't think so but my therapist helped me explore memories to try and pinpoint the exact moment there was a shift inside of me. We found that it developed very gradually. There was no traumatic event or anything like that. Obviously, you know about my father. I never knew the man, he died whilst my mother was pregnant. What you guys don't know is that for the first four years of my life I was put into care. My mother couldn't bear to look after me. I didn't blame her for it - I mean, I don't blame her for it. When I turned five my mum got me back, claimed she was ready to take on the responsibility parenting. What the social workers didn't know was that she was off her head."

The frown of pity on Mark's gentle features didn't feel right in Jaebum's stomach.

"I was raised by a crackhead from then on. Except she didn't really raise me. It was more like, I cared for her. I watched her inject herself with god knows what and snort cocaine off of the kitchen counter. But oddly enough, she was never a bad mom. She was terribly heartbroken and made some terrible decisions. But nothing bad actually happened to me. However the toll it had on the emotions of a nine year old boy can apparently stay with you forever. It was copious amounts of stress, nights with no sleep and the constant anxiety that I thought she was going to die. She didn't, luckily because she met someone. She met someone which was cool but the man was a dick to me. He hated the fact that I wasn't as manly as he expected. Hence the obsession with wanting to be a manly man. And of course, not gay. God, I would have killed to just like girls! But life is a bitch and likes to keep me from happiness. Boys were not allowed inside the house. I wasn't allowed to befriend males or go out with guys or... He was a crazy son of a bitch," Jaebum laughed dryly, shaking his head.

"He was so mad when I told him I was going to be a singer. He told me I couldn't do it. Proved him wrong, though, didn't I?" Jaebum looked proud momentarily.

"You made yourself proud, Jae, and I'm sure your mom is proud, too." The soft caress of Mark's thumb to the back of his hand was heart warming.

"Yeah, I guess. Though, the problem is, Mark, that my dreams all came true but I'm an ignorant, selfish asshole who can't even be happy with that! I'm not happy! I'm a singer and I have fans and support and, sure, we don't make a ton of money but we've got enough! And I have you! The one person I want to spend the rest of my life with and yet... I feel nothing."

"Nothing?" Mark croaked.

Jaebum's head shot up, concern rippling across his otherwise pale face. His large hands shot out, framing Mark's face and Jaebum leaned closer, pressing their lips together; sealing an unspoken promise between them. Something along the lines of: _I promise, I love you_.

"If there's one emotion I'm sure of it is that I love you. I am so grateful for you, Mark. You've been the one good constant in my life and you've been there for me without questioning it. I am so grateful and I'm so in love with you."

They kissed again. Mark felt desperate. As if kissing Jaebum might fix him. As if all the answers and understanding would come flooding to him in this one kiss. Mark was in love. That was the problem. Mark was in love and with love came caring and an exuberant amount of worry. Jaebum kissed back fervently. He was melting like ice under the summer sun. Jaebum felt as if this was him thawing out: with every word spoken and handsy venture of the hand, Jaebum was feeling better.

Mark's hands had always made Jaebum feel safe. The older had slipped his hand beneath Jaebum's shirt, palm flat against the ridges of his boyfriend's abs. Jaebum shivered at the touch, the intensity of the warmth and pressure made his skin burn. For a moment, Jaebum allowed himself to simply focus on the pressure of Mark's hand. He soaked up the heat and tickle of fingertips on his stomach. He let himself feel. And with these feelings came a small moan.

"I'm not even doing anything, Jae," Mark chuckled against Jaebum's lips.

Jaebum simply blushed and lifted his head from the pillow to give Mark a better angle so that he could lick deeper into Jaebum's mouth. The younger was pitifully turned on. It wasn't fair. Mark did things to him that seemed impossible but Jaebum would be a fool to not admit how much he loved it.

"If you don't want to have sex with me you better stop kissing me," Jaebum chuckled quietly, resting his forehead against Mark's shoulder.

Mark laughed, hands beneath Jaebum's shirt, fingers tantalizing on his skin. "Not tonight."

"Okay." Jaebum sighed, content despite everything else. "You know I love you, right?"

Mark nodded.

"And I hope you understand that the only reason I didn't tell you anything is because I'm scared. It's terrifying having these feelings that even I don't understand. So I never thought it was worth it trying to explain it to you. What's the point in trying to describe feelings so indescribable? I don't know. It was selfish of me to think you wouldn't get it."

"Not really," Mark disagreed. "It wasn't selfish. Like you said, you were scared. I don't blame you for it."

Jaebum felt so warm with love. He was a man doused in gasoline. Mark was the match, sparking him into orange, prowling flames. However, fires don't burn forever. Jaebum hated the feeling of being alive when he knew it would come to an end. His fire would fizzle out and when it did, Jaebum didn't know what to do.

"I am still scared."

"Why?" Mark asked, worried frown deep in his skin.

"Because talking to you - and please don't take offence - won't change how I feel. I mean, it's a big help knowing that you are aware and that you care but in the grand scheme of things, that does nothing. I'm scared because I know exactly how I'm going to feel when I wake up. I know that I can't escape and that terrifies me. I wish it were as simple as the stories make it out to be; love being the panacea of all pain. Unfortunately, that's just not how it works," Jaebum murmured.

Mark nodded, eyes dark and sad. "I know that. Nothing is ever that simple but I promise you, Jaebum, that I will do whatever I can to help you. I don't care what it is I need to do. You deserve happiness. You deserve life. So believe me when I tell you that you are going to live."

Jaebum nosed up the line of Mark's neck to smother his face in a succession of kisses. "I love you so much."

"I love you. Do you know what else you're going to love?" Mark asked: lips smiling, skin shining, eyes glittering.

"What?" Jaebum pressed: eyes alight, skin gleaming, lips quivering. 

"Living."


End file.
